Spring is totally happening 

…and this makes me so incredibly happy.



I know there’s a lot of science behind mood and seasons, but I always underestimate how damn good the sunshine can make me feel. It’s so easy to forget about the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re cooped up inside for months on end, hiding away from from the gloom of the outdoors.

I do understand however, that warm weather and sunshine isn’t going to fix everything. I’m still struggling with my thoughts and OCD compulsions today (sadly it doesn’t choose when or where it unleashes it’s misery) but I’m trying to focus on other little things that make my heart feel a little lighter. 



…including spending some time gardening with this bundle of fluff 🙂 her shadow makes her look like a unicorn haha!

Later on I’m baking a carrot cake for my mums birthday, so I’m looking forward to that. Tomorrow we’re celebrating with the family, and despite the forecast predicting rain, I’m hoping it’s going to be a lovely day.

Have a lovely weekend everyone 🙂 x



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Mental illness makes things damn lonely

There’s so many inspiring blogs that I see on here every day. People struggling with different things, in particular, mental health issues, and talking about it, sharing their experiences with everybody. It’s such a weirdly uplifting thing to see. I don’t mean I enjoy watching people struggle, or be in pain, or anything. I’m not sadistic! I just mean it’s so very easy when you are suffering with a mental illness to feel like you are the only one in the world feeling like that. Even though it’s painfully obvious you’re not, conditions such as OCD and depression try their very best to isolate you from everyone and everything around you. And suddenly you find yourself in an extremely lonely place.

Right now I’m feeling so far into that dark horrible place. My OCD is at an all time high and it’s causing me to feel so out of control, so miserable. I can see what it’s doing to me and those around me. It’s like I’m watching myself from the outside, banging on the windows screaming at the crazy person inside, begging them to stop. I’m trying to figure out how to get back some of that lost control, but it’s difficult, understandably.

On a brighter note..! I would absolutely love to find some lovely people on here to talk to, or to get to know a little more. I always find that a problem shared is a problem halved… And if there’s any chance of beating my demons, or helping someone else’s with theirs, then that’s too good an opportunity to miss. Right?

Please let me know if any of you wonderful people are interested. Just to chat, on here or elsewhere. It would make me so stupidly happy to get to know some of you a bit more, and to feel a little less alone. Let me know 🙂

Time to Talk Day: breaking down stigmatisation around mental health

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So today was interesting. How did you guys spend it?

The Time to Change charity is something I hold close to my heart, and they do awesome and utterly inspiring stuff. There still exists a massive ignorance and stigmatisation surrounding mental health and this needs to change. And of course, what better way to start than by doing your own little bit, at home.

I’ve had a letter sitting and waiting on my laptop for a good few months now. It’s addressed to my sister, and it basically explains everything about how I’ve been feeling, and struggling, recently. My sister is a wonderful person and I love her very much, but due to whatever reason, I feel like we’ve drifted very far apart over the last year and it makes me incredibly sad. I’ve missed her, lots. And when I’m having down weeks, like at the minute, I end up missing her even more.

So today I thought, well, today’s a good excuse to just take a deep breath, feel confident, and send her that letter. And I did. I felt nervous and sick and horrible but, I did it. And I feel so much better as a result.

Her reaction was something I was quite worried about… But everything turned out okay. The worry was for nothing. She still loves me and is my big sister at the end of the day.

I hope to whoevers reading this, that you know there will always be somebody you can turn to during your hour of need. It might be someone you least expect. But never be afraid to ask for help, we all need a bit of it sometimes. 🙂

Goodnight, A xxx

I’ve been lazy, I must admit…

BUT ITS A NEW YEAR WHICH MEANS NEW STARTS AND LALALA ALL THAT SCHPEEL.

🙂

Okay so I haven’t been on here in a long while. To be perfectly honest, I thought I was rubbish at writing a blog… Or maybe I just became too lazy. A mix of both perhaps.

But then I thought- you created this in the first place to try and help you deal with certain emotions and behaviours in a healthier way. Writing things down, meeting new lovely people, having an interesting hobby to engage myself in. If I spend, and waste, so much time acting out anxious and upsetting behaviour (i.e my OCD) then surely I have enough time and energy to do this as well.

As well as writing about mental health and using this as a means of self-help, my blog-writing was also supposed to be a way of expressing how I feel about the stuff that I bloody well love! Namely: FOOD! and DOGS! and TRAVELLING! and THE ONES I LOVE! etc etc. You see where I’m coming from.

So. Even though I’m a bit late (but better late than never, right?), I am announcing herewith and dedicating myself to a 2015-wonderful-and-awesome-thing: using this fantastic site a whole lot more and being more confident in myself to do so.

Hurray!

See you shortly. I’m excited.

A xxx

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Me and my OCD…

I’ve had two separate occasions now where my OCD has been questioned. My first appointment with my new CBT therapist, and a meeting with a new doctor. They both stopped me mid-conversation when I mentioned the word and asked me in a somewhat unconvinced manner- ‘but why do you think it’s OCD?’.

My OCD is OCD because of the awful, exhausting and obsessive nature of the thoughts. They are thoughts that I hate, that make me feel sick or angry or upset. They silently torture me because they make me imagine the worst scenarios, remember things I don’t want to and make me feel like a terrible person.

Because I am closest to my boyfriend, and because I have such strong feelings for him, the OCD manifests itself through him. The thoughts will range from anything such as questions about his exes, his thoughts on different girls, to why he still bothers with me and if he wants to break up yet. It thrives on my low self-esteem, which is something I’ve always always had. I don’t see myself worthy at all, not just in this relationship but in many areas of my life. As a result, I continue to try and push people away, because I believe they shouldn’t bother with me.

If anything, I crave quite the opposite. I always want reassurance, to be told it’s okay and everything will be alright. This isn’t healthy but still, it’s what I need. My bf has learnt to not always give me this because if he does it makes it harder for me to tackle the OCD on my own. The thoughts revolve around reassurance- am I good enough? Do you like me the best? Am I pretty? Despite having a wonderful and loving boyfriend who tells me these things anyway, without any sort of prompt, it always remains a worry at the back of my mind.

I can see how ridiculous my thoughts and behaviour are. Don’t think for a second that I can’t see the reality of them- that’s partly why I become so frustrated and feel utterly exhausted all the time when trying to battle with them. I KNOW full well that the thoughts are purely 100% irrational and I shouldn’t give any attention to them whatsoever. But of course, OCD doesn’t accept that. It finds little sneaky ways to get around rationality and logic, in order to cause you pain, panic and a lot of distress. You know your behaviour is stupid and you hate yourself for it, but it will convince you that it is important and vital that you carry out these behaviours.

OCD tricks you and deceives you, lies to you and makes you question your sanity. It turns you into a Jekyll and Hyde figure, always fighting to remain normal but sometimes being too weak to overcome it. It’s such a hateful condition and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m fighting to get better but the reality is I’ll probably have it for the rest of my life because that is simply the unforgiving nature of OCD. That’s something I’m still coming to terms with even now.

Of course with OCD, like any mental illness, it’s extremely common to have a lovely dash of depression thrown in there too, because- well why not eh? If you thought battling with the thousands of inner demons in your mind wasn’t awful enough, then just wait til the feelings of self-hate, worthlessness and despair start to creep in. It’s utterly crippling. You start to hate yourself even MORE because why on earth do you feel the need to be so down and upset all the time? I have so many lovely things within my life that I am thankful for. A lot of supportive people, a roof over my head, a proper job… So, so thankful. But, undeniably, there are still days when all I can focus on is how I’m going to die, because it often feels like that’s the only way it’ll ever stop. I know that is dangerous, and sad. At times like that I need to try really hard to lift myself up out of it and remind myself that I’m not going to let this mental health condition win. It’s ruined so much for me, and hurts so many others in the process, but I can’t just back down and give up. I have to keep going, even when those dark days become increasingly common, like they are doing currently. Really, I’ve not got a choice in the matter.

My darling pumpkins are ready!

I bought a couple of dinky pumpkin plants in August when I still had my summer job at a local farm. They started off so small (WISH I had taken a ‘before’ pic now!) and they have now practically taken over the garden. The result was 3 beautifully plump and weirdly shaped pumpkins 🙂

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We’re giving one to my sister and her partner, one for my cousin and his partner, then the last one for us. Hopefully gonna attempt to bake a pumpkin pie with it tomorrow. I’m pretty excited. Recipe and pics soon to follow I’m sure!

Hope everyone is okay. I’m struggling so much with my compulsions today. I’m letting them win and losing too much control. Supposed to have my 2nd CBT app with new therapist tomorrow but I’m really unsure of going or not. I didn’t get on well with her at all last week, to the point where I came out crying at her remarks. Is there any point in going tomorrow?

Who knows. We shall see. Ta everyone xx

Everything is okay.

That’s what I have to keep reminding myself. Even when things build up and you can’t see past the bad thoughts and ruminations and obsessive thoughts and you want to cry cry cry until you can’t any more.

Which is how I kinda feel tonight.

You know when there’s no particular reason for feeling low? You can’t pinpoint it on anything in particular. I’ve tried to keep busy today but no matter how much I distract myself those intrusive thoughts push on through and sort of make their way to the front of line in my mind, ignoring everything else there and making themselves out to be the most important and LOOK, LOOK AT ME, DONT YOU DARE IGNORE ME! so I can focus on nothing else except these thoughts.

Everything else around me continues, plays forward, is so completely and utterly normal. My mum is watching her favourite soap on tv, my dog is snoring on the floor. And I’m sat here pretending to be okay when my mind is screaming and kicking out. Just calm. Please, please just calm down and breathe and laugh at the poisonous things in your head. They are not worth it.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.