“Mindfulness- a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world”

mindfulness

I’ve just started reading the above named book, by Mark Williams and Danny Penman (if you type ‘mindfulness’ into Amazon it’s the first one to pop up). And despite being only a couple of chapters in, I think its safe to say that I’m really loving it.

It’s such a well written and eye-opening book… going into so much detail about the nature of the troubled mind, different types of mindfulness meditation, how the busyness of life makes us live in autopilot etc etc… Some bits are quite a lot to take in but my god it makes a lot of sense.

Take this bit for example- it discusses how past thoughts and feelings can trigger low mood in the present day:

“…we rarely experience tension or sadness on their own- anger, irritability, bitterness, jealousy and hatred can all be bound up with them in an uncomfortable, spiky knot of pain. These feelings may be directed at others but, more often than not, they are aimed at ourselves, even if we’re not consciously aware of it. Over a lifetime, these emotional constellations can become ever-more closely coupled to thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and even behaviour. This is how the past can have an all-pervading effect in the present; if we trip one emotional switch the others can follow behind…”

I can sympathise with this so much. My OCD is so focused on the past, and dredging up whatever irrelevent little detail it can in order to cause me pain, distress and which leads to massive compulsions being acted out (which in this case, would be to my boyfriend J in the form of asking horrible questions or confessing equally horrible thoughts). Even though I know this is a waste of my time, and it leaves me sometimes screaming at myself to just STOP bringing up the past, my OCD laughs at this and will continue to carry on anyway.So for example- Oh, that thing you did 3 years ago with another boyfriend? Yep, you have to tell him. How about asking him how many girls he’s kissed? Go on, you won’t rest until you know. What about that girl in town you saw and you thought it looked like his ex? Tell him tell him tell him. That is literally how my head works, hundreds and thousands of questions and statements and confessions, repeating over and over and over in my head leaving me exhausted and sickened with myself.

Basically… its got to the point now where I will literally try anything to make this better. I’m sick of crying all the time, I’m sick of how it makes me feel, I’m sick of the strain it’s putting on mine and J’s relationship. I just can’t carry on like this. I don’t want to hurt him and me any more.

Will write another update on the book once I’ve started doing the meditation. I’ve never really tried anything like this before so I am nervous. But, like I said, willing to try ANYTHING.

Wish me luck! x

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Mental illness makes things damn lonely

There’s so many inspiring blogs that I see on here every day. People struggling with different things, in particular, mental health issues, and talking about it, sharing their experiences with everybody. It’s such a weirdly uplifting thing to see. I don’t mean I enjoy watching people struggle, or be in pain, or anything. I’m not sadistic! I just mean it’s so very easy when you are suffering with a mental illness to feel like you are the only one in the world feeling like that. Even though it’s painfully obvious you’re not, conditions such as OCD and depression try their very best to isolate you from everyone and everything around you. And suddenly you find yourself in an extremely lonely place.

Right now I’m feeling so far into that dark horrible place. My OCD is at an all time high and it’s causing me to feel so out of control, so miserable. I can see what it’s doing to me and those around me. It’s like I’m watching myself from the outside, banging on the windows screaming at the crazy person inside, begging them to stop. I’m trying to figure out how to get back some of that lost control, but it’s difficult, understandably.

On a brighter note..! I would absolutely love to find some lovely people on here to talk to, or to get to know a little more. I always find that a problem shared is a problem halved… And if there’s any chance of beating my demons, or helping someone else’s with theirs, then that’s too good an opportunity to miss. Right?

Please let me know if any of you wonderful people are interested. Just to chat, on here or elsewhere. It would make me so stupidly happy to get to know some of you a bit more, and to feel a little less alone. Let me know 🙂