It’s Christmas time and you’re supposed to be happy



Well I’m finding it so damn difficult. It’s been a while since I last posted on here but I have been struggling so much with my mental health that I’m starting to lose touch with the things that I enjoy, the things that make me happy.

This blog was started to try and give me a new, worthwhile and interesting past time to partake in. I’ve come to learn that being busy is good for me- it leaves me less time doing anything OCD-y, whether that be ruminating, making up distressing stories in my head, lashing out at the people who care about me, self-harming or screaming and crying myself to sleep as a result. So, I’m very sorry I haven’t posted in a while. That’s directed at anybody’s who is reading this, but mainly at myself.

Christmas is next week (where the heck did that come from?!) and it’s always been one of my favourite times of the year. There shouldn’t be, but I feel an immense amount of pressure to try and act okay and ‘normal’ around December more than any other time of the year. Families together, spending lots of time under the same roof, acting jolly/getting merry/relaxing and laughing and just being happy. For me, this is a struggle every single day. For Christmas, I want more than anything to be alright, in front of my family, my boyfriend’s family and friends… there’s always this fear of not feeling good enough, funny enough, interesting enough- and pasting that big smile on my face and almost pretending that everything is okay. When I know inside, it’s really not.

I know that I tend to catastrophise situations- this is something me and my old therapist used to discuss quite a bit. I think “Oh well I’m going to ruin that anyway” so don’t end up even trying. I know I’ve got to really try hard, really focus on trying to relax and just enjoy myself. Once it’s over, it’s not back for another year. And I know that I’ll end up hating myself if I don’t try.

I hope that everybody has a truly wonderful Christmas. Despite everything that I have going on in my head, and feeling like screaming 24/7, I’m still so excited for the big day. I’m just a massive child at heart haha. Whatever you have going on in your lives, I really do hope that you all get to experience some proper happiness with the people that care about you this Christmas.

Lots of love to everyone. A xxx


Me and my OCD…

I’ve had two separate occasions now where my OCD has been questioned. My first appointment with my new CBT therapist, and a meeting with a new doctor. They both stopped me mid-conversation when I mentioned the word and asked me in a somewhat unconvinced manner- ‘but why do you think it’s OCD?’.

My OCD is OCD because of the awful, exhausting and obsessive nature of the thoughts. They are thoughts that I hate, that make me feel sick or angry or upset. They silently torture me because they make me imagine the worst scenarios, remember things I don’t want to and make me feel like a terrible person.

Because I am closest to my boyfriend, and because I have such strong feelings for him, the OCD manifests itself through him. The thoughts will range from anything such as questions about his exes, his thoughts on different girls, to why he still bothers with me and if he wants to break up yet. It thrives on my low self-esteem, which is something I’ve always always had. I don’t see myself worthy at all, not just in this relationship but in many areas of my life. As a result, I continue to try and push people away, because I believe they shouldn’t bother with me.

If anything, I crave quite the opposite. I always want reassurance, to be told it’s okay and everything will be alright. This isn’t healthy but still, it’s what I need. My bf has learnt to not always give me this because if he does it makes it harder for me to tackle the OCD on my own. The thoughts revolve around reassurance- am I good enough? Do you like me the best? Am I pretty? Despite having a wonderful and loving boyfriend who tells me these things anyway, without any sort of prompt, it always remains a worry at the back of my mind.

I can see how ridiculous my thoughts and behaviour are. Don’t think for a second that I can’t see the reality of them- that’s partly why I become so frustrated and feel utterly exhausted all the time when trying to battle with them. I KNOW full well that the thoughts are purely 100% irrational and I shouldn’t give any attention to them whatsoever. But of course, OCD doesn’t accept that. It finds little sneaky ways to get around rationality and logic, in order to cause you pain, panic and a lot of distress. You know your behaviour is stupid and you hate yourself for it, but it will convince you that it is important and vital that you carry out these behaviours.

OCD tricks you and deceives you, lies to you and makes you question your sanity. It turns you into a Jekyll and Hyde figure, always fighting to remain normal but sometimes being too weak to overcome it. It’s such a hateful condition and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m fighting to get better but the reality is I’ll probably have it for the rest of my life because that is simply the unforgiving nature of OCD. That’s something I’m still coming to terms with even now.

Of course with OCD, like any mental illness, it’s extremely common to have a lovely dash of depression thrown in there too, because- well why not eh? If you thought battling with the thousands of inner demons in your mind wasn’t awful enough, then just wait til the feelings of self-hate, worthlessness and despair start to creep in. It’s utterly crippling. You start to hate yourself even MORE because why on earth do you feel the need to be so down and upset all the time? I have so many lovely things within my life that I am thankful for. A lot of supportive people, a roof over my head, a proper job… So, so thankful. But, undeniably, there are still days when all I can focus on is how I’m going to die, because it often feels like that’s the only way it’ll ever stop. I know that is dangerous, and sad. At times like that I need to try really hard to lift myself up out of it and remind myself that I’m not going to let this mental health condition win. It’s ruined so much for me, and hurts so many others in the process, but I can’t just back down and give up. I have to keep going, even when those dark days become increasingly common, like they are doing currently. Really, I’ve not got a choice in the matter.

Sorry for being quiet but I’ve gone and gots a job!

And now I know the TRUE pure feeling of TGIF.

Technically I got the job about six weeks ago. Its taken so long because there was a lot of faffing with references and background checks etc. It’s with the NHS, just doing some admin work… But it’s a proper, full time, 9-5 job- and it’s good 🙂

My second day (last week) I had a bit of a meltdown and ended up bursting into tears in front of coworkers, which was bloody fantastic, as you can imagine. Everything just got to me all at once- such an overload of new information and at such a fast pace; I wanted to know and learn everything all in one go and to ‘get’ it instantly, but of course it’ll take weeks for me to get to grips with this new job. I think I just put too much pressure on myself and then PANIC!

Never mind. There’s so much more that I want to talk about (including an incredible trip to the HP Studios in Watford and a lot of ups and downs with my OCD) but for now I just wanted to update any readers and also myself on where I am in life right now.

Time for dinner and a bath, and an early night… Oh the joys of working full time! 😉 jokes, I love it.

Night all x


Not the prettiest of pies…

But daaaaym it’s tasty!

My first ever attempt at making a pumpkin pie and I think it went fairly well. Hurray! Was lots of fun to make and is a great way to use up all that excess pumpkin flesh after carving 🙂

I generally followed this recipe, taken from BBC Good Food but used sweet short crust pastry (just add a smidge of sugar) and added tons more cinnamon. Because I like cinnamon. The link is below (I am feeling too lazy tonight) so have a looksie and follow!

Here are a few pictures to accommodate the recipe!

1. PUMPKINS!!! If you saw my last post, you’ll know that I lovingly nurtured these in my own garden. Smug? Nah.


2. Carving pumpkins is really fun and therapeutic. They don’t smell great but I do love a good ole scrape and spoon (er does that sound weird?)


3. Boiling down the pumpkin flesh ’til really tender


4. I don’t own any actual baking beans (would it be sad to ask that for a Xmas present?!) so compromised by using dried beans from the cupboard instead.


5. Lookin’ fiiiiiine pastry


6. Filling in, whack it in the oven! (Be careful as will be veeeery full!)


7. VOILA!!! The finished result.


If any of you are baking pumpkin related recipes tonight then I’d love to see or hear about it! 🙂 really looking forward to Halloween tomorrow despite having a rubbish week. Ive got a jam packed day to look forward to and then a trip down south the day after… For the HP studios :):) oh ma gaaaad!

Hope everyone is doing good! X


My darling pumpkins are ready!

I bought a couple of dinky pumpkin plants in August when I still had my summer job at a local farm. They started off so small (WISH I had taken a ‘before’ pic now!) and they have now practically taken over the garden. The result was 3 beautifully plump and weirdly shaped pumpkins 🙂


We’re giving one to my sister and her partner, one for my cousin and his partner, then the last one for us. Hopefully gonna attempt to bake a pumpkin pie with it tomorrow. I’m pretty excited. Recipe and pics soon to follow I’m sure!

Hope everyone is okay. I’m struggling so much with my compulsions today. I’m letting them win and losing too much control. Supposed to have my 2nd CBT app with new therapist tomorrow but I’m really unsure of going or not. I didn’t get on well with her at all last week, to the point where I came out crying at her remarks. Is there any point in going tomorrow?

Who knows. We shall see. Ta everyone xx

Everything is okay.

That’s what I have to keep reminding myself. Even when things build up and you can’t see past the bad thoughts and ruminations and obsessive thoughts and you want to cry cry cry until you can’t any more.

Which is how I kinda feel tonight.

You know when there’s no particular reason for feeling low? You can’t pinpoint it on anything in particular. I’ve tried to keep busy today but no matter how much I distract myself those intrusive thoughts push on through and sort of make their way to the front of line in my mind, ignoring everything else there and making themselves out to be the most important and LOOK, LOOK AT ME, DONT YOU DARE IGNORE ME! so I can focus on nothing else except these thoughts.

Everything else around me continues, plays forward, is so completely and utterly normal. My mum is watching her favourite soap on tv, my dog is snoring on the floor. And I’m sat here pretending to be okay when my mind is screaming and kicking out. Just calm. Please, please just calm down and breathe and laugh at the poisonous things in your head. They are not worth it.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.

I don’t like the dark (and yes I’m 22)

Ever since I was little, there’s something I just do not like about it. Back then it was probably something to do with my alcoholic dad taking us all out to pubs and getting into arguments with people (that’s a looooong story for another day) and so I connected the two in my head and started to get anxious when it was dark.

But I don’t know why it’s carried on until now. You would think it would have just faded out of my head gradually right. But, no. And even though winter has it’s many lovely sides (though why WHY does Xmas start earlier every year I mean COME ON), the fact that the clocks will soon turn back doesn’t bode well with me at all, haha.

I suppose it’s like a trapped sort of feeling? Like, when the sun disappears and everything turns grey and then black and suddenly you can’t go outside because, well, because you can’t see anything, it just makes me feel odd and not great. Plus, my compulsive thoughts come out a LOT more in the evenings. I don’t know why. There shouldn’t be a reason for it but then again, OCD isn’t exactly reasonable is it? Ha.

I try to distract myself as best I can; read a book, watch something on Netflix etc etc. But my mind wanders so bad. I can never just concentrate on one thing. It’s like my head is constantly on a ‘worry’ setting and I just can’t switch it off.

Merh. One day this will get easier. Just got to look forward to that day. In the meantime, tomorrow is a new start. And before that, there is DAVID ATTENBOROUGH’S NEW SHOWWWWWW WOOP WOOP!!!!

Kinda. Excited.

Night all xx