Well I’m finding it so damn difficult. It’s been a while since I last posted on here but I have been struggling so much with my mental health that I’m starting to lose touch with the things that I enjoy, the things that make me happy.
This blog was started to try and give me a new, worthwhile and interesting past time to partake in. I’ve come to learn that being busy is good for me- it leaves me less time doing anything OCD-y, whether that be ruminating, making up distressing stories in my head, lashing out at the people who care about me, self-harming or screaming and crying myself to sleep as a result. So, I’m very sorry I haven’t posted in a while. That’s directed at anybody’s who is reading this, but mainly at myself.
Christmas is next week (where the heck did that come from?!) and it’s always been one of my favourite times of the year. There shouldn’t be, but I feel an immense amount of pressure to try and act okay and ‘normal’ around December more than any other time of the year. Families together, spending lots of time under the same roof, acting jolly/getting merry/relaxing and laughing and just being happy. For me, this is a struggle every single day. For Christmas, I want more than anything to be alright, in front of my family, my boyfriend’s family and friends… there’s always this fear of not feeling good enough, funny enough, interesting enough- and pasting that big smile on my face and almost pretending that everything is okay. When I know inside, it’s really not.
I know that I tend to catastrophise situations- this is something me and my old therapist used to discuss quite a bit. I think “Oh well I’m going to ruin that anyway” so don’t end up even trying. I know I’ve got to really try hard, really focus on trying to relax and just enjoy myself. Once it’s over, it’s not back for another year. And I know that I’ll end up hating myself if I don’t try.
I hope that everybody has a truly wonderful Christmas. Despite everything that I have going on in my head, and feeling like screaming 24/7, I’m still so excited for the big day. I’m just a massive child at heart haha. Whatever you have going on in your lives, I really do hope that you all get to experience some proper happiness with the people that care about you this Christmas.
Lots of love to everyone. A xxx