Mother’s Day brunch!

What a lovely day it’s been so far. 

The family have been round, including Jamie who’s been helping me with everything this morning. Very busy day indeed- made a huge afternoon tea from scratch and it was completely and utterly delicious.

First of all… The sandwiches! I made smoked salmon, avocado and chilli on rye, and mature cheddar with spicy chutney on rye. So yummy.



Then there were the scones…oh the scones… Apple and cinnamon with blackberry compote and clotted cream. Now I don’t mean to be on my high horse here but, OMG. So fluffy and sweet.





Then the mini lemon Bakewell tarts! Alternative take on the classic cherry 🙂



You’d think we would have ran out of room by this point. But oh no. 

Finally, hot cross bun bread and butter pudding. I don’t really have a big love for B&B pudding but this one is an exception. Lots of flavour and more exciting than the traditional. 



So this morning was a success! 🙂 followed by a walk with the dog, and lots more cups of tea and coffee. Lazy telly watching for the rest of the afternoon I think 😉 



Hope you’re all having a lovely Mums day guys!

A xx 

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Spring is totally happening 

…and this makes me so incredibly happy.



I know there’s a lot of science behind mood and seasons, but I always underestimate how damn good the sunshine can make me feel. It’s so easy to forget about the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re cooped up inside for months on end, hiding away from from the gloom of the outdoors.

I do understand however, that warm weather and sunshine isn’t going to fix everything. I’m still struggling with my thoughts and OCD compulsions today (sadly it doesn’t choose when or where it unleashes it’s misery) but I’m trying to focus on other little things that make my heart feel a little lighter. 



…including spending some time gardening with this bundle of fluff 🙂 her shadow makes her look like a unicorn haha!

Later on I’m baking a carrot cake for my mums birthday, so I’m looking forward to that. Tomorrow we’re celebrating with the family, and despite the forecast predicting rain, I’m hoping it’s going to be a lovely day.

Have a lovely weekend everyone 🙂 x



It’s Christmas time and you’re supposed to be happy

kevin

…right?

Well I’m finding it so damn difficult. It’s been a while since I last posted on here but I have been struggling so much with my mental health that I’m starting to lose touch with the things that I enjoy, the things that make me happy.

This blog was started to try and give me a new, worthwhile and interesting past time to partake in. I’ve come to learn that being busy is good for me- it leaves me less time doing anything OCD-y, whether that be ruminating, making up distressing stories in my head, lashing out at the people who care about me, self-harming or screaming and crying myself to sleep as a result. So, I’m very sorry I haven’t posted in a while. That’s directed at anybody’s who is reading this, but mainly at myself.

Christmas is next week (where the heck did that come from?!) and it’s always been one of my favourite times of the year. There shouldn’t be, but I feel an immense amount of pressure to try and act okay and ‘normal’ around December more than any other time of the year. Families together, spending lots of time under the same roof, acting jolly/getting merry/relaxing and laughing and just being happy. For me, this is a struggle every single day. For Christmas, I want more than anything to be alright, in front of my family, my boyfriend’s family and friends… there’s always this fear of not feeling good enough, funny enough, interesting enough- and pasting that big smile on my face and almost pretending that everything is okay. When I know inside, it’s really not.

I know that I tend to catastrophise situations- this is something me and my old therapist used to discuss quite a bit. I think “Oh well I’m going to ruin that anyway” so don’t end up even trying. I know I’ve got to really try hard, really focus on trying to relax and just enjoy myself. Once it’s over, it’s not back for another year. And I know that I’ll end up hating myself if I don’t try.

I hope that everybody has a truly wonderful Christmas. Despite everything that I have going on in my head, and feeling like screaming 24/7, I’m still so excited for the big day. I’m just a massive child at heart haha. Whatever you have going on in your lives, I really do hope that you all get to experience some proper happiness with the people that care about you this Christmas.

Lots of love to everyone. A xxx

Me and my OCD…

I’ve had two separate occasions now where my OCD has been questioned. My first appointment with my new CBT therapist, and a meeting with a new doctor. They both stopped me mid-conversation when I mentioned the word and asked me in a somewhat unconvinced manner- ‘but why do you think it’s OCD?’.

My OCD is OCD because of the awful, exhausting and obsessive nature of the thoughts. They are thoughts that I hate, that make me feel sick or angry or upset. They silently torture me because they make me imagine the worst scenarios, remember things I don’t want to and make me feel like a terrible person.

Because I am closest to my boyfriend, and because I have such strong feelings for him, the OCD manifests itself through him. The thoughts will range from anything such as questions about his exes, his thoughts on different girls, to why he still bothers with me and if he wants to break up yet. It thrives on my low self-esteem, which is something I’ve always always had. I don’t see myself worthy at all, not just in this relationship but in many areas of my life. As a result, I continue to try and push people away, because I believe they shouldn’t bother with me.

If anything, I crave quite the opposite. I always want reassurance, to be told it’s okay and everything will be alright. This isn’t healthy but still, it’s what I need. My bf has learnt to not always give me this because if he does it makes it harder for me to tackle the OCD on my own. The thoughts revolve around reassurance- am I good enough? Do you like me the best? Am I pretty? Despite having a wonderful and loving boyfriend who tells me these things anyway, without any sort of prompt, it always remains a worry at the back of my mind.

I can see how ridiculous my thoughts and behaviour are. Don’t think for a second that I can’t see the reality of them- that’s partly why I become so frustrated and feel utterly exhausted all the time when trying to battle with them. I KNOW full well that the thoughts are purely 100% irrational and I shouldn’t give any attention to them whatsoever. But of course, OCD doesn’t accept that. It finds little sneaky ways to get around rationality and logic, in order to cause you pain, panic and a lot of distress. You know your behaviour is stupid and you hate yourself for it, but it will convince you that it is important and vital that you carry out these behaviours.

OCD tricks you and deceives you, lies to you and makes you question your sanity. It turns you into a Jekyll and Hyde figure, always fighting to remain normal but sometimes being too weak to overcome it. It’s such a hateful condition and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m fighting to get better but the reality is I’ll probably have it for the rest of my life because that is simply the unforgiving nature of OCD. That’s something I’m still coming to terms with even now.

Of course with OCD, like any mental illness, it’s extremely common to have a lovely dash of depression thrown in there too, because- well why not eh? If you thought battling with the thousands of inner demons in your mind wasn’t awful enough, then just wait til the feelings of self-hate, worthlessness and despair start to creep in. It’s utterly crippling. You start to hate yourself even MORE because why on earth do you feel the need to be so down and upset all the time? I have so many lovely things within my life that I am thankful for. A lot of supportive people, a roof over my head, a proper job… So, so thankful. But, undeniably, there are still days when all I can focus on is how I’m going to die, because it often feels like that’s the only way it’ll ever stop. I know that is dangerous, and sad. At times like that I need to try really hard to lift myself up out of it and remind myself that I’m not going to let this mental health condition win. It’s ruined so much for me, and hurts so many others in the process, but I can’t just back down and give up. I have to keep going, even when those dark days become increasingly common, like they are doing currently. Really, I’ve not got a choice in the matter.

Sorry for being quiet but I’ve gone and gots a job!

And now I know the TRUE pure feeling of TGIF.

Technically I got the job about six weeks ago. Its taken so long because there was a lot of faffing with references and background checks etc. It’s with the NHS, just doing some admin work… But it’s a proper, full time, 9-5 job- and it’s good 🙂

My second day (last week) I had a bit of a meltdown and ended up bursting into tears in front of coworkers, which was bloody fantastic, as you can imagine. Everything just got to me all at once- such an overload of new information and at such a fast pace; I wanted to know and learn everything all in one go and to ‘get’ it instantly, but of course it’ll take weeks for me to get to grips with this new job. I think I just put too much pressure on myself and then PANIC!

Never mind. There’s so much more that I want to talk about (including an incredible trip to the HP Studios in Watford and a lot of ups and downs with my OCD) but for now I just wanted to update any readers and also myself on where I am in life right now.

Time for dinner and a bath, and an early night… Oh the joys of working full time! 😉 jokes, I love it.

Night all x

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Everything is okay.

That’s what I have to keep reminding myself. Even when things build up and you can’t see past the bad thoughts and ruminations and obsessive thoughts and you want to cry cry cry until you can’t any more.

Which is how I kinda feel tonight.

You know when there’s no particular reason for feeling low? You can’t pinpoint it on anything in particular. I’ve tried to keep busy today but no matter how much I distract myself those intrusive thoughts push on through and sort of make their way to the front of line in my mind, ignoring everything else there and making themselves out to be the most important and LOOK, LOOK AT ME, DONT YOU DARE IGNORE ME! so I can focus on nothing else except these thoughts.

Everything else around me continues, plays forward, is so completely and utterly normal. My mum is watching her favourite soap on tv, my dog is snoring on the floor. And I’m sat here pretending to be okay when my mind is screaming and kicking out. Just calm. Please, please just calm down and breathe and laugh at the poisonous things in your head. They are not worth it.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.