Spring is totally happening 

…and this makes me so incredibly happy.



I know there’s a lot of science behind mood and seasons, but I always underestimate how damn good the sunshine can make me feel. It’s so easy to forget about the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re cooped up inside for months on end, hiding away from from the gloom of the outdoors.

I do understand however, that warm weather and sunshine isn’t going to fix everything. I’m still struggling with my thoughts and OCD compulsions today (sadly it doesn’t choose when or where it unleashes it’s misery) but I’m trying to focus on other little things that make my heart feel a little lighter. 



…including spending some time gardening with this bundle of fluff 🙂 her shadow makes her look like a unicorn haha!

Later on I’m baking a carrot cake for my mums birthday, so I’m looking forward to that. Tomorrow we’re celebrating with the family, and despite the forecast predicting rain, I’m hoping it’s going to be a lovely day.

Have a lovely weekend everyone 🙂 x



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“Mindfulness- a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world”

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I’ve just started reading the above named book, by Mark Williams and Danny Penman (if you type ‘mindfulness’ into Amazon it’s the first one to pop up). And despite being only a couple of chapters in, I think its safe to say that I’m really loving it.

It’s such a well written and eye-opening book… going into so much detail about the nature of the troubled mind, different types of mindfulness meditation, how the busyness of life makes us live in autopilot etc etc… Some bits are quite a lot to take in but my god it makes a lot of sense.

Take this bit for example- it discusses how past thoughts and feelings can trigger low mood in the present day:

“…we rarely experience tension or sadness on their own- anger, irritability, bitterness, jealousy and hatred can all be bound up with them in an uncomfortable, spiky knot of pain. These feelings may be directed at others but, more often than not, they are aimed at ourselves, even if we’re not consciously aware of it. Over a lifetime, these emotional constellations can become ever-more closely coupled to thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and even behaviour. This is how the past can have an all-pervading effect in the present; if we trip one emotional switch the others can follow behind…”

I can sympathise with this so much. My OCD is so focused on the past, and dredging up whatever irrelevent little detail it can in order to cause me pain, distress and which leads to massive compulsions being acted out (which in this case, would be to my boyfriend J in the form of asking horrible questions or confessing equally horrible thoughts). Even though I know this is a waste of my time, and it leaves me sometimes screaming at myself to just STOP bringing up the past, my OCD laughs at this and will continue to carry on anyway.So for example- Oh, that thing you did 3 years ago with another boyfriend? Yep, you have to tell him. How about asking him how many girls he’s kissed? Go on, you won’t rest until you know. What about that girl in town you saw and you thought it looked like his ex? Tell him tell him tell him. That is literally how my head works, hundreds and thousands of questions and statements and confessions, repeating over and over and over in my head leaving me exhausted and sickened with myself.

Basically… its got to the point now where I will literally try anything to make this better. I’m sick of crying all the time, I’m sick of how it makes me feel, I’m sick of the strain it’s putting on mine and J’s relationship. I just can’t carry on like this. I don’t want to hurt him and me any more.

Will write another update on the book once I’ve started doing the meditation. I’ve never really tried anything like this before so I am nervous. But, like I said, willing to try ANYTHING.

Wish me luck! x

Mental illness makes things damn lonely

There’s so many inspiring blogs that I see on here every day. People struggling with different things, in particular, mental health issues, and talking about it, sharing their experiences with everybody. It’s such a weirdly uplifting thing to see. I don’t mean I enjoy watching people struggle, or be in pain, or anything. I’m not sadistic! I just mean it’s so very easy when you are suffering with a mental illness to feel like you are the only one in the world feeling like that. Even though it’s painfully obvious you’re not, conditions such as OCD and depression try their very best to isolate you from everyone and everything around you. And suddenly you find yourself in an extremely lonely place.

Right now I’m feeling so far into that dark horrible place. My OCD is at an all time high and it’s causing me to feel so out of control, so miserable. I can see what it’s doing to me and those around me. It’s like I’m watching myself from the outside, banging on the windows screaming at the crazy person inside, begging them to stop. I’m trying to figure out how to get back some of that lost control, but it’s difficult, understandably.

On a brighter note..! I would absolutely love to find some lovely people on here to talk to, or to get to know a little more. I always find that a problem shared is a problem halved… And if there’s any chance of beating my demons, or helping someone else’s with theirs, then that’s too good an opportunity to miss. Right?

Please let me know if any of you wonderful people are interested. Just to chat, on here or elsewhere. It would make me so stupidly happy to get to know some of you a bit more, and to feel a little less alone. Let me know 🙂

Time to Talk Day: breaking down stigmatisation around mental health

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So today was interesting. How did you guys spend it?

The Time to Change charity is something I hold close to my heart, and they do awesome and utterly inspiring stuff. There still exists a massive ignorance and stigmatisation surrounding mental health and this needs to change. And of course, what better way to start than by doing your own little bit, at home.

I’ve had a letter sitting and waiting on my laptop for a good few months now. It’s addressed to my sister, and it basically explains everything about how I’ve been feeling, and struggling, recently. My sister is a wonderful person and I love her very much, but due to whatever reason, I feel like we’ve drifted very far apart over the last year and it makes me incredibly sad. I’ve missed her, lots. And when I’m having down weeks, like at the minute, I end up missing her even more.

So today I thought, well, today’s a good excuse to just take a deep breath, feel confident, and send her that letter. And I did. I felt nervous and sick and horrible but, I did it. And I feel so much better as a result.

Her reaction was something I was quite worried about… But everything turned out okay. The worry was for nothing. She still loves me and is my big sister at the end of the day.

I hope to whoevers reading this, that you know there will always be somebody you can turn to during your hour of need. It might be someone you least expect. But never be afraid to ask for help, we all need a bit of it sometimes. 🙂

Goodnight, A xxx

Sick days are the worst

So I’m sat at home, tucked under a duvet and sipping hot tea. Cowboy Traders is on (mazin) and I’m trying to ignore the fact I have a nasty headache and achy bones.

Oh sick days! An unpleasant mix of guiltily ringing up your manager, and then festering in all your germs for the remainder of the day, popping painkiller pills left right and centre.

So it’s a rubbish situation anyway. But of course, my head likes to make life more difficult in any way it can.
When I’m sat at home doing practically nothing, my depression has a field day… There’s more opportunity to worry, to ruminate, to focus on negative things. I try to keep myself busy: I’m watching telly, playing with my dog… But all I want to do is simply relax, but it feels almost impossible to do that.

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Is it so much to ask to have a quiet mind that doesn’t make me hate myself? I’m so tired of feeling like this. There’s only so many times you can tell yourself that everything’s okay. When it feels like the complete opposite 😦

Me and my OCD…

I’ve had two separate occasions now where my OCD has been questioned. My first appointment with my new CBT therapist, and a meeting with a new doctor. They both stopped me mid-conversation when I mentioned the word and asked me in a somewhat unconvinced manner- ‘but why do you think it’s OCD?’.

My OCD is OCD because of the awful, exhausting and obsessive nature of the thoughts. They are thoughts that I hate, that make me feel sick or angry or upset. They silently torture me because they make me imagine the worst scenarios, remember things I don’t want to and make me feel like a terrible person.

Because I am closest to my boyfriend, and because I have such strong feelings for him, the OCD manifests itself through him. The thoughts will range from anything such as questions about his exes, his thoughts on different girls, to why he still bothers with me and if he wants to break up yet. It thrives on my low self-esteem, which is something I’ve always always had. I don’t see myself worthy at all, not just in this relationship but in many areas of my life. As a result, I continue to try and push people away, because I believe they shouldn’t bother with me.

If anything, I crave quite the opposite. I always want reassurance, to be told it’s okay and everything will be alright. This isn’t healthy but still, it’s what I need. My bf has learnt to not always give me this because if he does it makes it harder for me to tackle the OCD on my own. The thoughts revolve around reassurance- am I good enough? Do you like me the best? Am I pretty? Despite having a wonderful and loving boyfriend who tells me these things anyway, without any sort of prompt, it always remains a worry at the back of my mind.

I can see how ridiculous my thoughts and behaviour are. Don’t think for a second that I can’t see the reality of them- that’s partly why I become so frustrated and feel utterly exhausted all the time when trying to battle with them. I KNOW full well that the thoughts are purely 100% irrational and I shouldn’t give any attention to them whatsoever. But of course, OCD doesn’t accept that. It finds little sneaky ways to get around rationality and logic, in order to cause you pain, panic and a lot of distress. You know your behaviour is stupid and you hate yourself for it, but it will convince you that it is important and vital that you carry out these behaviours.

OCD tricks you and deceives you, lies to you and makes you question your sanity. It turns you into a Jekyll and Hyde figure, always fighting to remain normal but sometimes being too weak to overcome it. It’s such a hateful condition and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m fighting to get better but the reality is I’ll probably have it for the rest of my life because that is simply the unforgiving nature of OCD. That’s something I’m still coming to terms with even now.

Of course with OCD, like any mental illness, it’s extremely common to have a lovely dash of depression thrown in there too, because- well why not eh? If you thought battling with the thousands of inner demons in your mind wasn’t awful enough, then just wait til the feelings of self-hate, worthlessness and despair start to creep in. It’s utterly crippling. You start to hate yourself even MORE because why on earth do you feel the need to be so down and upset all the time? I have so many lovely things within my life that I am thankful for. A lot of supportive people, a roof over my head, a proper job… So, so thankful. But, undeniably, there are still days when all I can focus on is how I’m going to die, because it often feels like that’s the only way it’ll ever stop. I know that is dangerous, and sad. At times like that I need to try really hard to lift myself up out of it and remind myself that I’m not going to let this mental health condition win. It’s ruined so much for me, and hurts so many others in the process, but I can’t just back down and give up. I have to keep going, even when those dark days become increasingly common, like they are doing currently. Really, I’ve not got a choice in the matter.

Sorry for being quiet but I’ve gone and gots a job!

And now I know the TRUE pure feeling of TGIF.

Technically I got the job about six weeks ago. Its taken so long because there was a lot of faffing with references and background checks etc. It’s with the NHS, just doing some admin work… But it’s a proper, full time, 9-5 job- and it’s good 🙂

My second day (last week) I had a bit of a meltdown and ended up bursting into tears in front of coworkers, which was bloody fantastic, as you can imagine. Everything just got to me all at once- such an overload of new information and at such a fast pace; I wanted to know and learn everything all in one go and to ‘get’ it instantly, but of course it’ll take weeks for me to get to grips with this new job. I think I just put too much pressure on myself and then PANIC!

Never mind. There’s so much more that I want to talk about (including an incredible trip to the HP Studios in Watford and a lot of ups and downs with my OCD) but for now I just wanted to update any readers and also myself on where I am in life right now.

Time for dinner and a bath, and an early night… Oh the joys of working full time! 😉 jokes, I love it.

Night all x

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