Spring is totally happening 

…and this makes me so incredibly happy.



I know there’s a lot of science behind mood and seasons, but I always underestimate how damn good the sunshine can make me feel. It’s so easy to forget about the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re cooped up inside for months on end, hiding away from from the gloom of the outdoors.

I do understand however, that warm weather and sunshine isn’t going to fix everything. I’m still struggling with my thoughts and OCD compulsions today (sadly it doesn’t choose when or where it unleashes it’s misery) but I’m trying to focus on other little things that make my heart feel a little lighter. 



…including spending some time gardening with this bundle of fluff 🙂 her shadow makes her look like a unicorn haha!

Later on I’m baking a carrot cake for my mums birthday, so I’m looking forward to that. Tomorrow we’re celebrating with the family, and despite the forecast predicting rain, I’m hoping it’s going to be a lovely day.

Have a lovely weekend everyone 🙂 x



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“Mindfulness- a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world”

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I’ve just started reading the above named book, by Mark Williams and Danny Penman (if you type ‘mindfulness’ into Amazon it’s the first one to pop up). And despite being only a couple of chapters in, I think its safe to say that I’m really loving it.

It’s such a well written and eye-opening book… going into so much detail about the nature of the troubled mind, different types of mindfulness meditation, how the busyness of life makes us live in autopilot etc etc… Some bits are quite a lot to take in but my god it makes a lot of sense.

Take this bit for example- it discusses how past thoughts and feelings can trigger low mood in the present day:

“…we rarely experience tension or sadness on their own- anger, irritability, bitterness, jealousy and hatred can all be bound up with them in an uncomfortable, spiky knot of pain. These feelings may be directed at others but, more often than not, they are aimed at ourselves, even if we’re not consciously aware of it. Over a lifetime, these emotional constellations can become ever-more closely coupled to thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and even behaviour. This is how the past can have an all-pervading effect in the present; if we trip one emotional switch the others can follow behind…”

I can sympathise with this so much. My OCD is so focused on the past, and dredging up whatever irrelevent little detail it can in order to cause me pain, distress and which leads to massive compulsions being acted out (which in this case, would be to my boyfriend J in the form of asking horrible questions or confessing equally horrible thoughts). Even though I know this is a waste of my time, and it leaves me sometimes screaming at myself to just STOP bringing up the past, my OCD laughs at this and will continue to carry on anyway.So for example- Oh, that thing you did 3 years ago with another boyfriend? Yep, you have to tell him. How about asking him how many girls he’s kissed? Go on, you won’t rest until you know. What about that girl in town you saw and you thought it looked like his ex? Tell him tell him tell him. That is literally how my head works, hundreds and thousands of questions and statements and confessions, repeating over and over and over in my head leaving me exhausted and sickened with myself.

Basically… its got to the point now where I will literally try anything to make this better. I’m sick of crying all the time, I’m sick of how it makes me feel, I’m sick of the strain it’s putting on mine and J’s relationship. I just can’t carry on like this. I don’t want to hurt him and me any more.

Will write another update on the book once I’ve started doing the meditation. I’ve never really tried anything like this before so I am nervous. But, like I said, willing to try ANYTHING.

Wish me luck! x

Mental illness makes things damn lonely

There’s so many inspiring blogs that I see on here every day. People struggling with different things, in particular, mental health issues, and talking about it, sharing their experiences with everybody. It’s such a weirdly uplifting thing to see. I don’t mean I enjoy watching people struggle, or be in pain, or anything. I’m not sadistic! I just mean it’s so very easy when you are suffering with a mental illness to feel like you are the only one in the world feeling like that. Even though it’s painfully obvious you’re not, conditions such as OCD and depression try their very best to isolate you from everyone and everything around you. And suddenly you find yourself in an extremely lonely place.

Right now I’m feeling so far into that dark horrible place. My OCD is at an all time high and it’s causing me to feel so out of control, so miserable. I can see what it’s doing to me and those around me. It’s like I’m watching myself from the outside, banging on the windows screaming at the crazy person inside, begging them to stop. I’m trying to figure out how to get back some of that lost control, but it’s difficult, understandably.

On a brighter note..! I would absolutely love to find some lovely people on here to talk to, or to get to know a little more. I always find that a problem shared is a problem halved… And if there’s any chance of beating my demons, or helping someone else’s with theirs, then that’s too good an opportunity to miss. Right?

Please let me know if any of you wonderful people are interested. Just to chat, on here or elsewhere. It would make me so stupidly happy to get to know some of you a bit more, and to feel a little less alone. Let me know 🙂

Time to Talk Day: breaking down stigmatisation around mental health

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So today was interesting. How did you guys spend it?

The Time to Change charity is something I hold close to my heart, and they do awesome and utterly inspiring stuff. There still exists a massive ignorance and stigmatisation surrounding mental health and this needs to change. And of course, what better way to start than by doing your own little bit, at home.

I’ve had a letter sitting and waiting on my laptop for a good few months now. It’s addressed to my sister, and it basically explains everything about how I’ve been feeling, and struggling, recently. My sister is a wonderful person and I love her very much, but due to whatever reason, I feel like we’ve drifted very far apart over the last year and it makes me incredibly sad. I’ve missed her, lots. And when I’m having down weeks, like at the minute, I end up missing her even more.

So today I thought, well, today’s a good excuse to just take a deep breath, feel confident, and send her that letter. And I did. I felt nervous and sick and horrible but, I did it. And I feel so much better as a result.

Her reaction was something I was quite worried about… But everything turned out okay. The worry was for nothing. She still loves me and is my big sister at the end of the day.

I hope to whoevers reading this, that you know there will always be somebody you can turn to during your hour of need. It might be someone you least expect. But never be afraid to ask for help, we all need a bit of it sometimes. 🙂

Goodnight, A xxx

Sick days are the worst

So I’m sat at home, tucked under a duvet and sipping hot tea. Cowboy Traders is on (mazin) and I’m trying to ignore the fact I have a nasty headache and achy bones.

Oh sick days! An unpleasant mix of guiltily ringing up your manager, and then festering in all your germs for the remainder of the day, popping painkiller pills left right and centre.

So it’s a rubbish situation anyway. But of course, my head likes to make life more difficult in any way it can.
When I’m sat at home doing practically nothing, my depression has a field day… There’s more opportunity to worry, to ruminate, to focus on negative things. I try to keep myself busy: I’m watching telly, playing with my dog… But all I want to do is simply relax, but it feels almost impossible to do that.

😦

Is it so much to ask to have a quiet mind that doesn’t make me hate myself? I’m so tired of feeling like this. There’s only so many times you can tell yourself that everything’s okay. When it feels like the complete opposite 😦

I’ve been lazy, I must admit…

BUT ITS A NEW YEAR WHICH MEANS NEW STARTS AND LALALA ALL THAT SCHPEEL.

🙂

Okay so I haven’t been on here in a long while. To be perfectly honest, I thought I was rubbish at writing a blog… Or maybe I just became too lazy. A mix of both perhaps.

But then I thought- you created this in the first place to try and help you deal with certain emotions and behaviours in a healthier way. Writing things down, meeting new lovely people, having an interesting hobby to engage myself in. If I spend, and waste, so much time acting out anxious and upsetting behaviour (i.e my OCD) then surely I have enough time and energy to do this as well.

As well as writing about mental health and using this as a means of self-help, my blog-writing was also supposed to be a way of expressing how I feel about the stuff that I bloody well love! Namely: FOOD! and DOGS! and TRAVELLING! and THE ONES I LOVE! etc etc. You see where I’m coming from.

So. Even though I’m a bit late (but better late than never, right?), I am announcing herewith and dedicating myself to a 2015-wonderful-and-awesome-thing: using this fantastic site a whole lot more and being more confident in myself to do so.

Hurray!

See you shortly. I’m excited.

A xxx

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