I’ve just started reading the above named book, by Mark Williams and Danny Penman (if you type ‘mindfulness’ into Amazon it’s the first one to pop up). And despite being only a couple of chapters in, I think its safe to say that I’m really loving it.
It’s such a well written and eye-opening book… going into so much detail about the nature of the troubled mind, different types of mindfulness meditation, how the busyness of life makes us live in autopilot etc etc… Some bits are quite a lot to take in but my god it makes a lot of sense.
Take this bit for example- it discusses how past thoughts and feelings can trigger low mood in the present day:
“…we rarely experience tension or sadness on their own- anger, irritability, bitterness, jealousy and hatred can all be bound up with them in an uncomfortable, spiky knot of pain. These feelings may be directed at others but, more often than not, they are aimed at ourselves, even if we’re not consciously aware of it. Over a lifetime, these emotional constellations can become ever-more closely coupled to thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and even behaviour. This is how the past can have an all-pervading effect in the present; if we trip one emotional switch the others can follow behind…”
I can sympathise with this so much. My OCD is so focused on the past, and dredging up whatever irrelevent little detail it can in order to cause me pain, distress and which leads to massive compulsions being acted out (which in this case, would be to my boyfriend J in the form of asking horrible questions or confessing equally horrible thoughts). Even though I know this is a waste of my time, and it leaves me sometimes screaming at myself to just STOP bringing up the past, my OCD laughs at this and will continue to carry on anyway.So for example- Oh, that thing you did 3 years ago with another boyfriend? Yep, you have to tell him. How about asking him how many girls he’s kissed? Go on, you won’t rest until you know. What about that girl in town you saw and you thought it looked like his ex? Tell him tell him tell him. That is literally how my head works, hundreds and thousands of questions and statements and confessions, repeating over and over and over in my head leaving me exhausted and sickened with myself.
Basically… its got to the point now where I will literally try anything to make this better. I’m sick of crying all the time, I’m sick of how it makes me feel, I’m sick of the strain it’s putting on mine and J’s relationship. I just can’t carry on like this. I don’t want to hurt him and me any more.
Will write another update on the book once I’ve started doing the meditation. I’ve never really tried anything like this before so I am nervous. But, like I said, willing to try ANYTHING.
Wish me luck! x