Not the prettiest of pies…

But daaaaym it’s tasty!

My first ever attempt at making a pumpkin pie and I think it went fairly well. Hurray! Was lots of fun to make and is a great way to use up all that excess pumpkin flesh after carving 🙂

I generally followed this recipe, taken from BBC Good Food but used sweet short crust pastry (just add a smidge of sugar) and added tons more cinnamon. Because I like cinnamon. The link is below (I am feeling too lazy tonight) so have a looksie and follow!

http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1742633/pumpkin-pie

Here are a few pictures to accommodate the recipe!

1. PUMPKINS!!! If you saw my last post, you’ll know that I lovingly nurtured these in my own garden. Smug? Nah.

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2. Carving pumpkins is really fun and therapeutic. They don’t smell great but I do love a good ole scrape and spoon (er does that sound weird?)

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3. Boiling down the pumpkin flesh ’til really tender

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4. I don’t own any actual baking beans (would it be sad to ask that for a Xmas present?!) so compromised by using dried beans from the cupboard instead.

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5. Lookin’ fiiiiiine pastry

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6. Filling in, whack it in the oven! (Be careful as will be veeeery full!)

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7. VOILA!!! The finished result.

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If any of you are baking pumpkin related recipes tonight then I’d love to see or hear about it! 🙂 really looking forward to Halloween tomorrow despite having a rubbish week. Ive got a jam packed day to look forward to and then a trip down south the day after… For the HP studios :):) oh ma gaaaad!

Hope everyone is doing good! X

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My darling pumpkins are ready!

I bought a couple of dinky pumpkin plants in August when I still had my summer job at a local farm. They started off so small (WISH I had taken a ‘before’ pic now!) and they have now practically taken over the garden. The result was 3 beautifully plump and weirdly shaped pumpkins 🙂

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We’re giving one to my sister and her partner, one for my cousin and his partner, then the last one for us. Hopefully gonna attempt to bake a pumpkin pie with it tomorrow. I’m pretty excited. Recipe and pics soon to follow I’m sure!

Hope everyone is okay. I’m struggling so much with my compulsions today. I’m letting them win and losing too much control. Supposed to have my 2nd CBT app with new therapist tomorrow but I’m really unsure of going or not. I didn’t get on well with her at all last week, to the point where I came out crying at her remarks. Is there any point in going tomorrow?

Who knows. We shall see. Ta everyone xx

Everything is okay.

That’s what I have to keep reminding myself. Even when things build up and you can’t see past the bad thoughts and ruminations and obsessive thoughts and you want to cry cry cry until you can’t any more.

Which is how I kinda feel tonight.

You know when there’s no particular reason for feeling low? You can’t pinpoint it on anything in particular. I’ve tried to keep busy today but no matter how much I distract myself those intrusive thoughts push on through and sort of make their way to the front of line in my mind, ignoring everything else there and making themselves out to be the most important and LOOK, LOOK AT ME, DONT YOU DARE IGNORE ME! so I can focus on nothing else except these thoughts.

Everything else around me continues, plays forward, is so completely and utterly normal. My mum is watching her favourite soap on tv, my dog is snoring on the floor. And I’m sat here pretending to be okay when my mind is screaming and kicking out. Just calm. Please, please just calm down and breathe and laugh at the poisonous things in your head. They are not worth it.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.

You are okay. They are not worth it. You can do this.

I don’t like the dark (and yes I’m 22)

Ever since I was little, there’s something I just do not like about it. Back then it was probably something to do with my alcoholic dad taking us all out to pubs and getting into arguments with people (that’s a looooong story for another day) and so I connected the two in my head and started to get anxious when it was dark.

But I don’t know why it’s carried on until now. You would think it would have just faded out of my head gradually right. But, no. And even though winter has it’s many lovely sides (though why WHY does Xmas start earlier every year I mean COME ON), the fact that the clocks will soon turn back doesn’t bode well with me at all, haha.

I suppose it’s like a trapped sort of feeling? Like, when the sun disappears and everything turns grey and then black and suddenly you can’t go outside because, well, because you can’t see anything, it just makes me feel odd and not great. Plus, my compulsive thoughts come out a LOT more in the evenings. I don’t know why. There shouldn’t be a reason for it but then again, OCD isn’t exactly reasonable is it? Ha.

I try to distract myself as best I can; read a book, watch something on Netflix etc etc. But my mind wanders so bad. I can never just concentrate on one thing. It’s like my head is constantly on a ‘worry’ setting and I just can’t switch it off.

Merh. One day this will get easier. Just got to look forward to that day. In the meantime, tomorrow is a new start. And before that, there is DAVID ATTENBOROUGH’S NEW SHOWWWWWW WOOP WOOP!!!!

Kinda. Excited.

Night all xx

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I want to skip tomorrow :|

It’s my first CBT appointment, and it’s also supposed to be gale-force winds all day (something about a hurricane in Bermuda… wonderful). Those two things on their own would be manageable- put together and all of a sudden I feel like I want to cry. It doesn’t help that I cycle everywhere and there is a high chance I won’t even make it to my appointment as I may end up tangled in a random tree.

I’m so bloody anxious about this CBT session. It was supposed to be last week, but they cancelled, so I’m hoping the same doesn’t happen tomorrow. I won’t know who my new therapist is, or what he/she is like, I’ll just have myself and a book of notes about my f***ed up head. Ha!

Just got to keep thinking ahead. I’m doing this because I have to, because it is a way of moving forwards and feeling better and dealing with unwanted, negative thoughts that attempt to ruin my life daily. This is only POSITIVE.

Fingers crossed :/ x

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Unemployed + Feeling sorry for myself= BROWNIE TIME

Oh HELLO you chocolatey heavenly pieces of goo. Yes, you Mrs Brownie, and all your irresistible chunks (weird yet?). If there is one thing that I enjoy more when I’m wallowing in self-pity than baking, it’s baking with chocolate.

In this case, I’m feeling pureety low about life. I’m currently searching for work, and have been for a while now. It’s one of the most disheartening things, having to wait and wait and wait, to see if you’ve been liked enough for an interview or rejected like so many more before me.
I’ve actually, technically, been given a job. Three weeks ago I received the beeeeest phone call, telling me I was successful and after a few preliminary checks with references and the like, I’ll be given a start date. But have I been given one? No. Cue many hours of frustration, boredom, and hating on employers.

As well as that, I’ve decided to start therapy again to work on my OCD and anxiety. I went for a brief period last year, but as it was only a short course available from the NHS, it soon ended quickly, I lost my enthusiasm to combat the nasty thoughts in my head and now I’m back at square one.
My first appointment with a new CBT therapist (that’s cognitive behavioural therapy) was supposed to be this morning, but they went and cancelled it due to ‘unforeseen circumstances’. How lovely of them.

So as you can imagine, I am a little bit FED UP and was desperately in need of something naughty and delicious. Hence- my double chocolate orange brownies -mmmmm mm 🙂

If you want to also experience complete ecstasy in chocolate form then the ingredients are as follows-

-200g butter
-200g good quality dark choc
-zest 1 large orange
-100g plain flour
-4 large eggs
-320g caster sugar
-50g cocoa powder
-anything you like to top it off! Chopped nuts, white chocolate, honeycomb… Today I used desiccated coconut 🙂

Method:

1. Preheat oven to 180 degrees, line a baking tin with parchment.
2. Put butter, chopped up chocolate and orange zest in a small saucepan, on medium heat. Take care not to burn it!
3. Once melted, take off heat. Whisk eggs and sugar together and combine with chocolate mixture.
4. Sieve flour and cocoa into the mixture.
5. Place in oven and cook for 30-40 mins. Voila!

P.s. Goes down really well with a big glass of milk. Tasty tasty stuff.

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Totally new to blogging… waaah!

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…and so far I’m not too sure what to do with myself.

I like to write. I consider myself to be fairly creative. English was my favourite subject when I was a little chump, and I used to write stories for my mum constantly– the amount of times I would call her over to read my new novella about a gang of talking dogs or a girl with superhero powers, she must have begun to resent me just a little bit- yet now, what with a little thing called life getting in the way a bit, it’s been a loooooong long time since I wrote anything remotely interesting about anything really. Apart from updating my CV. Oh and my uni dissertation. That was totally compelling (pah).

There’s many a thing running through my head right now: things to say, things not to say, ideas about ideas about ideas… And so on. However it is getting late (20.11pm according to my watch, this is just a sneaky preview into how exciting my evenings usually are on a weekday), and my brain isn’t working very well tonight.

So for my sake, and for whomever is reading this right now (helloo!), I shall make a small yet efficient list for what I think this blog is going to be about. Oh I do love a good list me.

  • BAKING. CAKES. SWEET FOOD. TASTY TASTY THINGS. FOOD STUFFS THAT WILL GUARANTEE THAT I’LL NEVER OBTAIN A BIKINI BODY. You get the idea. I love to bake. I’d like to think that I’m getting fairly better with it with practice… inevitably photos and recipes of my creations will be a big part of my writing. Hell yes!
  • MY STRANGE AND SOMETIMES HORRIBLY MEAN HEAD. I suffer from long-term OCD and depression (not to mention anxiety, panic attacks, low self-esteem- all that lovely stuff), and it certainly ain’t nice. It’s something that has affected me for years and years, and I’m only just beginning to come to terms with it. Not quite there yet, but then I suppose that’s what different kinds of therapy and/or medication are there for. It’s one hell of a rollercoaster, and most days I believe I’m going crazy. But hopefully sharing my experiences will not only help myself, but maybe others reading this too.
  • LOTS OF OTHER LOVELY STUFF THAT I CAN’T THINK OF RIGHT NOW. Ha! 🙂

For now, I’m going to go get ready for The Apprentice (er, EXCITED) and make a mug of chamomile tea. That’s how I roll.

Goodnight honeypies… if anybody’s reading this anyway :’) x